They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize