I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We need to get me chipped asap
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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