I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
