I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sext me about skeletons
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
