I wish my penis had an off switch
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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