Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
