I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
smell my finger.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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