So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
