I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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