I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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