Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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