Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
