My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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