even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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