i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
