my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
