Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
