Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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