if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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