im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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