My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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