I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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