My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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