are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
