You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
