the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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