I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
