Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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