Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
