Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
