does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
