Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
