Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
