I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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