Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
