I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
