There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
