I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
