If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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