DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
