i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
