She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
there was a trapeze. enough said
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
