I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Mom said you looked used
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
