I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
BRING THE BAGELS
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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