Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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