I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
