She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
