I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
