Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
