I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
