Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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