Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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