I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
