the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
