My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
