five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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