My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
