the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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