I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
